“Hey”
Hey it's me, it's been awhile. Or it felt like it for me. This entry will probably be all over the place and extremely personal. But I assume that's why you would want to read this.
I guess I'll try to help you understand why I have been away and why me and some other artists struggle to make albums or music. And I'll start with this. I had a big issue. I felt as though I had failed my own evolution.
I want to experience the barrage of emotions I feel in fiction or idyllic just (in other words I wanted to understand what makes other people feel a certain way and feel that way myself. except the fact that i might use the way a song feels and think that is how the artist feels their entire life so i replicate bad habits believing i will be closer to making something better or some psychological breakthrough)
Feelings like anger, sadness, hurt, joy, all emotions people feel but i wanted to experience them in ways that felt rewarding to art or something like that. Badddd mindset i slowly evolved out of it realizing that when i was miserable i was really unable to make art and what really helped me was i think it was a alice in chains interview i hope i didn’t bring this up before btw where the singer someone who died due to his struggling emotions and problems and addictions talked about a very simple thing that was very profound to me something i had been lied to about my whole life he said something to the extant of “i cant really write while im depressed most of it sucks when i am”
and this is someone who makes extremely angsty and miserable sounding music that i really admire if he feels this way maybe its ok to feel ok. Wild statement but my whole life i was under the impression before that to make art like that you had to be miserable you had to have no desire to live.
When in all honesty some of the darkest art is probably exaggerated. Even Trent Reznor, the greatest musician I have ever heard in my life (and probably ever will) admit that he was exaggerating a lot of stuff on broken or TDS. not that he never experienced depression or suicidal thoughts but more of the fact that while he wrote it he probably didnt have a gun to his head.
Like there are very few actual examples that you might think of people about to shoot themselves writing a record cause why would you wanna write a record if your suicidal? Your suicidal you already crossed the line of nothing mattering and completely in the mind that life is irrelevant that no pursuit of art will save you.
Instead here I was at my worst writing albums/music nearly every time miserable and completely out of energy or enjoyment. Not all records are fake or need to be recorded very happily. I'll probably never record a record in an amazing state of mind but i dont need to make things worse to write better.
I have experienced these emotions i experienced depression, suicidal idealation, self destruction, and grief, only to come out realizing that at the worst of it i wasn’t writing albums.
Recently I really had a bout with depression and it's why I cut my internet presence out a lot. I don't appear a lot right now. I plan on coming back. I'll admit I worked very little and I was really stuck within myself.
Today I spent a lot of time in thought and really wanted to get to the bottom of this really explore deep. And I confronted some stuff I had been repressing and felt a lot better. I won't write about that stuff here.
but I also spent time thinking about when I was still in high school. Particularly early where I realized that I had emotionally matured faster than all my friends. I had felt like everyone was childish to me and that I felt really old or so I thought.
In truth i probably was :p my friends were really childish back then and i hated everyone big nihilist at the time along with dealing with my first serious bouts of mental health and felt like everyone was fucking with me joking all the fucking time.
But they were dealing with things in their life their own way and I did mine. I didn't really develop right though. That much understanding at that time felt like it isolated me.
But fast forward they feel like they caught up to me. I didn't develop right, past that i did not grow many friendships, I got more childish feeling as though I had regressed and got worse. I feel like I let myself down.
In truth I am dealing with these awful things that happened and coping with them by being really weird so my behavioral patterns are so on and off. I still feel like a teen like i havent changed much other than being less nihilistic.
However my demeanor and my thoughts are different. I still act like an emotionless then a spaztic weirdo depending on who im with. Like i understand my identity is sorta fucked up i get really excited and act like a different person.
Other than that most might just call me bland or boring truth is i STILL dont know how to talk to people without treating them like a game where im fucking with them. When I act normal I'm just boring.
And I want that friendship there but if I'm so boring to people why would they care about a conversation with me.
Meanwhile my peers from back then got these normal lives working these jobs know how to talk to people involved in each other's lives meanwhile i hear about it though third parties and never involved in anyone's lives except the very few that are close but i dont hang out with them irl.
So instead I just treat shit like a joke or a game. After everything I'm still waiting to grow up.
I'm only 20 but I feel old as shit and useless already like there is no life out there for me or people who want anything with me.
I remember when I was young and most people probably felt this but like when I was young I felt the world felt blocked off and when you were 21 or 25 you were in your prime you could do anything and live this awesome crazy life filled with all this fun shit.
Instead everyone is a fucking asshole i sit around all day and wait for kingdom come or make music alone.
Doomscrolling sucks and lately especially because I feel like my head is always just wandering like I'm living in my head and watching shit happen like an outsider.
I always wear big clothes cause I feel like I can hide in them like I'm always getting a hug and some sort of comfort in my clothing.
I feel like the days just pass. I can't remember anything the more I think about it. I can't remember the last 3 months.
I always have to click on my songs because I easily forget how they sound. I feel disassociated and not really here. I have for years in all honesty but I forget at times that it's happening.
I want to make progress in that though I spend so much of my day dreaming or avoiding things.
I suppose the only thing that can be done is eat the elephant and kinda just deal with this. I'm gonna be myself and present as I can be and make more art and engage with things as I see fit.
In all truth I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing. Psychologists and philosophers can try to define human life and what makes us do but nothing is really set in stone.
Life is unpredictable and we can make efforts to understand the mind, body, hell even spirit. But we can never truly understand ourselves or others.
It's up to us to decide what is right, wrong if our decisions and actions are good or bad for us. All we can do is act on what we think is the right thing at the time.
Maybe we all deserve a little forgiveness. No one can be perfect, treading through the water while staying dry.
I am very scared of everything i dont know the answers to everything, I can try to figure it out.
I'm very tired and worn out after tonight. I'm gonna go lay down now.